Mediocrity at Full Pace

Often there comes a point when we wonder what is all this worth of! I am at that point where i am starting to wonder why am i studying engineering and why Metallurgy?! And why on earth do i sit for placement into companies i don't look forward to work for? Why? Why to even give a test when you don't want to prepare? Why to study something and live a life of somebody when you don't want to be that? The society doesn't restrict you from making your choices.....what restricts you is your gut.

Okay, let me give the backstory. I am a Metallurgy student, who was 'chosen' by the department to study in NIT-D for 3 years and be parcelled to the Steel plant to produce steel everyday and make the country proud while boasting we produce so much tonnes of steel per day. It felt decent enough during my 2nd year when our professor passionately talked about Steel and its modern day significance and how we metallurgists are so rare. But then, i suddenly grow up, reach my final year and question the prospect of me being a metallurgist!

So, i take a reality check and wonder..where am i going wrong and find myself in a situation that looks like a bog and i'm nowhere near going out. Its so suffocating that i want to immerse myself in this viscous dirty fluid and never come back. And don't you worry, dear reader, this is not any sign of depression or something. Its just a rebellion against the mediocrity of my works and the lethargic brain cells that are taking time to react!

Its a great journey to reach the point when you understand the significance of your existence or rather make your life significant for others. But when my inner voice screams "Why the hell am i born in this world" and gets no answer to it; it irritates the hell out of me. Again, where do i stand?

I stand in nothingness; nothing to be passionate about, nothing to look for as a career, no foolproof plans, just like a sitting duck without any defence and ready to be taken out by the hunter!

#feelingsouseless

P.S.: Dear Readers, If you think the above post has made you form an opinion about me and my blog (if a negative one) ; YOU ARE BLATANTLY WRONG. Ahem...! By all means, I can do better. So keep coming back for more posts. Thank You.

The Face of Change

I have no idea what's it going to be
But hey, that's how life tells us to be
That you shall never understand, before you experience it
So that the surprise strikes, right at the moment you get it

Ups and Downs i have seen many
Not the object of interest to me
Its the inevitable Change that bothers me
For i never shall know what i'm gonna be

Coping is one thing to endure
And then comes  with it-The Acceptance
Now whom should i look up to for consultancy
When the whole world seems to have accepted the Change

I want to fight it, I want to resist
I don't want to rest, till i get over with it
But my gut tells me; its not an easy manoeuvre
Though i fight  harder; Change is definitely going to be the winner

The face of Change is cruel to me
But i don't seem to blame the Change for it
Am i a weakling or simply a coward
For i seem to concede myself to defeat

Should i try harder, or should i let it be
This is damn confusing as it had always been
But i want to start fresh and clean
Let the Face of Change change me!

17 again!!!!!!!!

WARNING:The following post can do nothing better than waste your  time.And...it wasted my time too; so think before you read.


My post starts with "too bad".I am pissed off.And the most irritating thing is--i don't know why!So many thoughts rush at once.I have many things to do.There's this adrenaline rush to write an article for Topgifter.and i don't know what to write!Simply ignorance can make me so agitated-i never expected.
 And of all things i see my mom smiling,no,actually grinning ear to ear while talking to dad.I suddenly felt that she is the most beautiful thing on earth.And then i want to watch the movie that is being aired.old movie-but i want to watch it again.And there's this novel waiting for me in another window of Google Chrome-actually shifted it from tab to another window to avoid distraction.
                           Finally i get it-i am completely distracted and confused.Nothing is clear in my head.
i even stopped talking with the rest of the family and am sticking to the mono syllables.Tomorrow i should get up early and go for hunting the right gift for a friend.For that i should sleep by 12;which i don't like.Staying late is somehow thrilling and gives my kicks.

I totally feel like a 17 year old- confused and lost.I thought i have grown up but i guess i am sucked into that black hole back.

Feeling so hopeless,so irritating,so uncontrolled......................i am groggy.duh!

MY FIRST DAY IN COLLEGE

          let me tell u how i felt early during my admission and those two wonderful maiden days in my college.
                           
                   the national institute of technology - durgapur was nothing i have expected  to see.as i embarked with my mother to  get registered  in the hall i have been allotted  with a strange  and alien feeling----homesickness---i was already missing my parents as i could see before laid my future."Sister niveditha hall" the guard told me when i showed my fee book on which "hall-7" was written.though he gave  instructions how to reach there i just remembered half of it.it was too much to take for  the first time. i did not want my mother to carry any of my luggage so i took the laptop and the heavy trolley bag from her and regretted at the very moment why i  brought so much luggage.i wanted to explain to myself the reason but my mind was already preoccupied with most beautiful  memories  spent with my family.meanwhile mom was asking some one about the hall.we got clear instuctions --or my mother got.i just followed her blindly not wanting to speak anything for if i spoke i would be emotional and make my mother cry.i didnt want the fuss in the public--so i followed.when we went little further there was a board written MAHILA HOUSE.i was delighted to see a beautiful four storeyed building as a hostel for girls.my mother asked a woman if that is our destination and the answer was regrettably-NO.hall7- is still inside the road.so we walked further.i was amazed-let me tell you; to see a building built in late 80's and a small dukaan whose roof is nothing but  a sheet of blue canvas tied to the adjacent trees.

few girls in their knickers buying something from the dukaan.at the very sight i began to understand what my life is going to be here.at iit -my brother said they have a big canteen and a separate night canteen-maybe i should no longer live in my dreams.i sighed and went inside the hall and there were few papers i had to fill.the warden there was excited to see me as if she knew who i am-i picturised the whole scene as a victim entering a bhoot bungalow where a vampire i s desperately waiting for me to drink my blood as soon as my mother leaves me here--speaking of vampires.. I LOVE EDWARD CULLEN.who won't??!!!

                                   i entered the room i have picked in the chits randomly.two people were already in and they didnt expect any other student and they kept false smiles of welcome hiding hatred of one and surprise of other.i immediately understood that my life is going to be tough here."oh you are from andhra?four other girls are there -shall i call them?"said one of them.i didnt want any attention so i replied"no,dont disturb them;i will meet them later".but before i completed my sentence the girl ran for them.other one is simply giving a meek smile which said"yeah shez always like that"my mother was relieved to find four girls from our place and me---well i dont know , i was unable to think anything relevant.i was staring at my mother and knew im gonna miss her the most.i wondered where dad had been.he said he would be there with mom's lugggage.it was noon and somehow  i didnt observe it,maybe bcoz of the weather there or bcoz of my apprehension.
                                                   i felt like an alien and when dad came there i clinged to him never wanting the moment to pass.im going to miss my dad which is not at all a new thing but still  that felt so bad-bad enough to want to cry and go home.but that would be an act of cowardice-three years of stress to get admission in a national level college-(i dont know if dgp is worth my stress at that moment).so i blocked all my thoughts and pretended everything is alright though i was scared to hell.mom and dad left in the evening to retire in a guesthouse and said i can call them anytime which   knew im not going to do when im sane for if i do i would cry out loud and scare their wits off.so i kept calm.as it was a saturday my roomies were bored to death not knowing what to do c.oz the LAN connection shortly failed before my arrival. i covered myself with the blanket and laid on the steel bed which is rusted and i am sure it must be older than me!now i really wanted to call my brother and when i  took my phone there were no signals.i felt like thrashing the phone but i was still sane enough not to perform such an act.that night passed somehow coz  its really difficult now to tell you people what i felt in that dungeon